Apple's New Headquarters Has Begun To Fight Back

posted by ALEX WELDON - 

PHOTO: Getty Images

     Tech giant Apple is facing a growing threat within its brand new Cupertino headquarters. They're tightened up on security, they've fixed software bugs, and they've made sure phones without headphone jacks are availaible for the few that hate headphone jacks. One thing the technology behemoth couldn't have predicted was the possibility of their new base of operations fighting back against the very people that walk their diamond encrusted halls.

     There's not only reports of these incidents, but there are unbelievable 911 call transcripts that describe the new hazard. 

911 Call #1: 

Caller: "We had an individual who ran into a glass wall pane and they hit their head. They have a small cut on their head and they are bleeding, slightly disoriented."

     First reaction would be to explain this away as someone who was testing out the new snapchat update or Skyping with their dog. Mistakes happen, and we've all heard of people walking into a fountain in the middle of a mall. Chalk it up as a fluke.

911 Call #2: 

Caller: "So we had an employee, he was on campus and he walked into a glass window, hitting his head, has a little bit of a cut on the eyebrow." 

Dispatcher: "Is the blood spurting or pouring out?"

Caller: "I think it’s just leaking … a small cut."

     Second reaction would be to just scratch your head, wondering if there is an issue with your HR department and hiring managers for signing on individuals that are walking into glass doors. Either way, for PR's sake, hope the issue doesn't happen again. 

911 Call #3: 

Caller: "Um, I walked into a glass door on the first floor of Apple Park when I was trying to go outside, which was very silly." 

Dispatcher: "You walked through a glass door?" 

Caller: "No, I didn’t walk through a glass door. I walked into a glass door."

     The third reaction is an obvious one. Tear down the headquarters immediately due to a gut feeling it was built on a cursed Indian burial ground. There is no way Apple is hiring numerous people who are legitimately walking into walls, so the problem must be elsewhere. Tim Cook should also consider the very real possibility that Steve Jobs cursed the company on his way out. At this point, it's probably smart to sell off your Apple stock if you have any because this companies' future is looking bleak.

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