Postcards from Krypton

posted by Jarred Diglio -

PHOTO:  Getty Images

“Macedonian low-level CNN” goes to a live look-in at the Office of Emmanuel Macron

So, President Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Accords, and, apparently, Earth is going to die.  I thought Rep. Geoff Diehl brought up a great point this morning while filling in for VB:  Why does climate change have to be an all-or-nothing issue?  Like Rand Paul, I really do believe that some things we do can have an impact on the environment, (Looking at you, China) but, ultimately, Planet’s gonna be the Planet. 

However, this gives us an opportunity to look at some concrete examples of planetary doom.  Below are some planetary catastrophes and the Earth’s likelihood of following suit.  Keep in mind, I suck at both math and gambling, so, just relax, and enjoy the ridiculousness…

 

Alderaan (Star Wars)

Catastrophe:  Blown up giant space station equipped with planet killing laser.

Odds of Earth following model:  802, 000, 000, 000, 000.3/1

 

Krypton (Superman)

Catastrophe:  (Pre-Crisis) Unstable Planet Core causes nuclear chain reaction. 

Odds of Earth following model:  60, 000, 000, 000, 000/1

 

Romulus (2009 Star Trek)

Catastrophe:  A nearby star explodes and destroys Planet in the year 2387.

Odds of Earth following model:  100, 000, 000/1

 

Planet Spaceball (Spaceballs)

Catastrophe:  Bumbling leadership foolishly squandering their precious atmosphere

Odds of Earth following model:  5,000/1

 

The Matrix Earth (The Matrix)

Catastrophe:   Scorching the sky by bombing the Middle East to stop the machines from overtaking humanity.

Odds of Earth following model:  10/1

 

Honorable mention:

The Death Star (Star Wars) 

Yes, technically it’s more like a small moon, but if Pluto can be an off-and-on planet, why can’t that technological terror follow suit?  

Catastrophe:  Blown up by Magic 18 year old Farm Boy with questionable aim. 

Odds of Earth following model:  342, 629, 000 000, 675, 000, 044/1

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